She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me. 1
This is how I remember her. She will always be a mystery to me.
When I got back in Guam, I was surprised to hear that I was promoted for passing the Fundamental Engineering examinations. As part of my additional responsibilities, the entire engineering staff reported to me. This arrangement gave me the opportunity to lighten my design load, which is a blessing as my go-getter attitude turned south to day-dreaming,
As my friend Hector said, “It looks like you will be back here very soon. What’s with your deep thoughts? It’s Sofia, isn’t it?” Words that remained fresh in my mind for months. I was in denial. It is not possible I thought. I did not want to think of a long distance relationship again. When the relationship goes south, the unknowns make the break-up a bitter pill to swallow.
Frequent phone calls and love letters are not a substitute for being close to each other. We never dated alone when I was in Manila. It was always a group date. Only Hector noticed that I looked at her so differently. He must know me well as a good friend would.
I knew I should be closer to her but I kept quiet as there was that hesitation of long distance courtship let alone maintaining a long distance relationship. In my mind, I would not want to be in such a relationship again.
A day after our night out at the Disco, Hector said, “It looks like you have inkling for Sofia. I will step aside so you can pursue her.” I did not answer. I did not want to reinforce whatever I was feeling at that moment.
The months following my return from Manila were torture. I know I have to be with her. We have to make memories; memories that we would cherish as years go by. I was thinking of an intimate dinner; being stranded on an island; and a stroll on a secluded beach.
Is it love?
If it is love, love spares no expense. The roses, the phone calls, the love letters occupied my days and wishfully her days too.
Sofia became my only girl, only in my thoughts I suppose. I never took a girl this seriously before. My girlfriends were just girlfriends. Sofia was different. She was the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.
I had an uneasy feeling of not being close to her so I made plans for a trip back to Manila. I returned to Manila the following year. I was expecting her to meet me at the airport. We will have a date at last. We will have an intimate dinner. We will just be together.
But love is cruel.
She was not at the airport to meet me. When I got home, I had to wait for her call for what seemed like months. Finally, she called. I didn’t know what to say.
At that time, though she told me a few times that she will not be able to see until a few days after I arrive as the ASEAN Games starts on the same day as my arrival; still I refused to believe her. Deep in me, I knew she will be at the airport.
She is an archer and is a member of the National Team competing in the ASEAN Games at the Rizal Sports Complex. I would have loved to be in the stands and watch her compete but she said, “You will only get bored. You will only be a distraction. I need concentration.”
I have learned early in life not to argue with girlfriends. I had to wait. She will see me when she finds it convenient.
Now, life is cruel too.
I didn’t get to see her until a few days later. I could only manage a dinner date three days later at Manila Hilton where I was staying. It was one of those uneventful dinner dates. It was a very quiet dinner. All I remember was we shared fresh strawberries for dessert. She offered me a bite first. I could only oblige and manage a smile. Then I had to take her home. She needed a full sleep for the following day’s competition.
There was a cloud of question marks in the air; questions that I feared asking. I felt relegated. I became irrelevant to her being.
I realized that despite those frequent phone calls we didn’t know each other. I was not even sure there was a hint of attraction between us. But the challenge of a pursuit was just too much to ignore. Whether it was intentional on her part, I didn’t want to know. I knew she was being polite for being my date. Nevertheless, I was hooked. I took the bait, line and sinker.
Or was it really love?
We had a few more dinner dates, which unbeknown to us became our hallmark.
We had dinner at the Manila Hotel. The hotel was highly secured compared to the Hilton. We had to go through metal detector and we were being video-taped. I thought, “Wow! Are we movie stars?” Café Ilang-Ilang was empty. We were the only two in the restaurant. I had been away from the Philippines maybe too long as I thought what I experienced is the norm. The Philippines was still under Martial Law. Sofia, however, has a notion that President Marcos must be in the hotel.
As we were having our coffee, there was a rush of people entering the restaurant. And there walking past us was Imelda Marcos. Upon seeing her Sofia said, “I can’t believe they even let us have dinner here. Usually, they will clear out the place before Imelda walks in.” I said, “You are beautiful. I am handsome. How could they resist such company?”
We pretty much dated around Manila only. There were no out of town getaways. We sat back, sip cocktails, and listen to the band in the Atrium Lounge at Century Park Sheraton. We watched a cultural presentation at the Top of the Hilton.
We went to the Lighthouse Club with her teammates. I ended up spending most of the time conversing with someone’s date. Her name was Cynthia. I knew I was being watched. Had it been some sort of an exam, I failed miserably. I must have scored zip. They did not like me! They said, “He is more interested in Cynthia than you.” whereby Sofia confessed, “I know. He is so boring. I don’t think I want to go out with him again.”
There was something unusual between Sofia and me. I leaned to being quiet whenever I am around her. There was that uncomfortable feeling that was holding me back. The hesitation came to fore whenever we are together.
We were strangers. Literally! Yet, word was out in our families that we are an item. My mother learned it from her aunt, who is our neighbor in the town that we grew up. Was I that surprised when my mother mentioned it to me! I screamed quietly, “I didn’t know but now I know!” I walked away expeditiously. I didn’t want to hear the affirmative question.
I took some girls home before to introduce to my family but never as “girlfriends”. Not even Chie, whom my mother remembered too well because she is Japanese.
Our friends were more surprised. Never in their lives have they imagined that I will end up Sofia’s boyfriend. Much to my surprise, everyone said that we were engaged and soon to be married. Even my parents thought I made the trip back to Manila to ask her hand for marriage. And the TV show, The Buzz, was not even on the air. There were talks of grand wedding; of where the honeymoon would be. Honolulu. San Francisco. New York. Will she travel back with him to Guam? It was, well, entertaining.
The cart has been put in front of the horse.
Ironically, it was time to go back to Guam. It’s time to get out of town and out of the midst of wedding speculations. Yet I wished I could stay longer. I wanted to get to know her. There was this recurring conflict within me. And perhaps, her too!
“I love her. I love her not.” And she would say “I love him. I love him not.”
With these doubts in our thoughts, I went back to Guam. She was not around to say good bye. Needless to say, I did not get a good bye kiss.
And with yet another disappointment, she remained a mystery to me.
PBB/01-02-09
Footnotes
1 Excerpt from “She's Always A Woman To Me” by Billy Joel
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