It hurts!

If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me
No baby please don’t go
If you leave me now, you’ll take away the very heart of me
No baby please don’t go

A love like ours is love that’s hard to find
How could we let it slip away
We’ve come too far to leave it all behind
How could we end it all this way
When tomorrow comes well both regret
Things we said today 1


I arrived back in Guam with mixed emotions. I was happy to be back yet unhappy to be away from Sofia. I was happy when I was with Sofia yet felt uneasy. My heart was telling me to be with her yet my mind said no.

Is love this conflicted?

My state of innocence was fading fast. There was an intense desire to do nothing. I went jogging along the beach more often. And as always I ended up sipping cocktails at the Tree Bar. My days ended with thoughts of her always.

A jazz trio played regularly at the Tree Bar. Their music lend to a melancholy surroundings. I learned to appreciate jazz by listening to them; day in, day out.

Jazz must be love too. Or is it?

I could no longer focus on work as before. Work came to a very slow pace. What took only hours to do then were taking days to complete. Work was literally piling up on my desk. One early morning, Vic my Boss and Mentor called me in his office.

“You look so unhappy lately.” Vic said.

“Your cubicle looks like a chimney. I think you need something to be happy. I am giving you a pay raise retroactive to the first of the year. Also, beginning today, you will have your gas allowance.” Vic added.

“Thank you.”

“Has something happened in Manila while you were on vacation?”

“No.”

“Did you get married?”

“No.”

“Did you break up with your girlfriend while in Manila?”

“No.”

“Come on, I have known you long enough to notice the sudden change in you. You never want to play tennis anymore. You don’t want to go fishing anymore. Ding told me you never go to their place for Mah Jong anymore either. It’s good you still go bowling. Are you maintaining your average?”

“Yes”

“Is there another word that you know besides yes and no?”

“None”

“As you know, Ding and I recently took over the company. We have big plans and we want you to play a major role in our new company. Now, what are your plans?”

“I am quitting; my last day is end of November.”

“Are you kidding? Where are you going? You just came back from vacation.”

“I am going back to Manila.”

And with those words, Vic rose from his seat ever so slowly, walks to the door, and closed it shut!

“Let’s talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“Are you getting married? Or are you already married?”

“No and no.”

Vic and I came from the same school. Our career paths are in parallel. He graduated six years ahead of me. He knows what college life is at MIT and what life is when we get out of MIT. I did not have to tell him anything. He knew what was in my mind.

“I will double the raise I just gave you; also retroactive to the first of the year. I am also giving you a car. You can choose your car as long as not the most expensive in the lot.”

I know he was trying to cheer me up but I didn’t laugh.

He even offered to pay for my air fare to Manila and if I needed extra money, he will also give it to me as a bonus.

There was one condition. I have to be back in the company. I can take as long as three months in Manila. He was even willing to pay my salary while on vacation. All he needed is for me to tell him I will be back.

“I don’t think I can do that. I don’t know what I want to do. It is unfair to you and to the company for me to take all these incentives, which will imply that I am coming back. I don’t know if I will ever be back here in Guam. I don’t want to give you false hope.”

We started talking at eight in the morning. Time flew and it was almost noon.

“Whatever you decide when you are in Manila, remember that there is a big difference between single never been married and single divorced.”

I never asked what it meant but those words stuck with me.

When I got out of his office, everyone was quiet. Everybody was pretending to be busy.

I planned to keep my return to Manila to myself. But when I was writing a letter to Sofia that night, I can’t resist not telling her that I quit that morning and will be in Manila in late November. We would have time to get to know each other.

I had big plans though I did not tell anyone; not even Sofia. I wanted to surprise her. I knew Sofia didn’t like Guam so I quit my job and planned to move to San Francisco. And if she loves me in return, I would marry her and take her with me. We will have our honeymoon in Hawaii on our way to San Francisco.

But life turns in unexpected ways. I received her letter a week later begging me not to go back to Manila. It was short and to the point; straight to my heart.

It hurts.

Sofia did not answer my repeated calls. She’s not at home. She’s not in the office either.

Finally, the message sunk in. It was the end of the line. It was an exciting journey but as with all good things, it had to end.

What followed was three months of the most uncertain times of my life.

I knew I have not professed my love but still I was devastated. I was being rejected beforehand.

Once again I am broken hearted; another failed attempt at a long distance relationship. There was nothing left to do but cry.

And cry I did for days. I spent evenings in solitude on the beach. I didn’t want anyone to see tears flowing from my eyes. The sunsets were always enchanting but not warm enough to mend a broken heart. The sounds of the waves against the sandy beach could not cheer up a lonely heart. The still of the night dominates my thoughts.

I thought of rescinding my resignation. I knew Vic will be happy. But will I be happy?

I also thought of moving straight to San Francisco. But the thought of not knowing what happened was just too much to bear.

I had to know. I can not go through another break up without knowing what has happened along the way. My inquisitive mind was taking control. I had to solve the mystery. I had to take the trip back to Manila, if of no reason at all, to regain my insanity.

…. because insanity is all I had. I want it back!


Footnotes

1 Excerpt from “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago